Just for the Sake of Amusement ~ The Early Years

Back when I was a Level 0 cook, and my efforts were confined largely to scrounging up lunch for myself while I was home for the summer and Mom was busy with Mom Things[tm], there were a great many “oh, I thought I was making something else” moments. Many meals started out with half remembered spells for cheeseburgers or omelets which ended with saving throws to transmogrify into hash. Important lessons during these years included notions such as:

  • Always cook eggs in a nonstick pan. Nothing sticks to a well seasoned cast iron skillet — except eggs *
  • With almost all proteins, the higher the heat, the less likely things will stick to the pan — except eggs *
  • Keep flattening a ground meat patty with a spatula often and hard enough, and it will completely fall apart.
  • When cooked ground meat falls apart, it doesn’t go back together again. Ever.
  • Trying to convert crumbled hamburger into sloppy joe or chili after you’ve cooked it never works.
  • Always start the potatoes first. Potatoes take way longer to cook than they look like they should.
  • You are not clever enough to cook two things in the same pan which are not supposed to eventually be combined.
  • The only thing which sticks to a pan more permanently than eggs is cheese.
  • Always have the pan scraped and cleaned before Mom gets home.
  • Leftover transmogrified hash may actually be a potion for the ending of all life on earth.

* Advanced spells involving bacon grease can prevent eggs from sticking to pans, even cast iron, but over use of this spell eventually leads to saving throws versus myocardial infarction and death — use with caution.

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